Today we met with the nurses at the clinic. I don't know who was more awkward.... this weird nurse or me haha! Of course mike is an old pro at needles but I am not as keen on them. I really the entire time just felt a giant wave of anxiousness over me. I feel very overwhelmed with information, worry, and fear. Because I am doing an antagonist protocol, we have talked about how I will be using the Gonal-F pen & Cetrotide
Im battling inside already with negative thoughts. I am doing acupuncture, massage and really trying to put myself in a good, zen place. I just feel that it has been so hard already that why would we get this lucky and have everything work the first time. I am worried about OHSS because of my cystic ovaries. This could cause them to cancel the cycle half way, or cause a frozen transfer at another time. I have been focusing on having embryos to freeze. I worry the emotional part of preparing for a FET and getting to the day and the defrosted embryo did not survive. The whole thing is a gamble. It's not about the money to me. It's about the hope and worry and anguish we go through- for it not to work. I feel like its all on my shoulders and I cannot give mike a baby. He has been a great support but I did say to him today- "I worry that you will worry you won't know what to say, when it doesn't work".
Its a strange mix of being excited at the thought of being pregnant in a month and being so scared I will have to look mike in the eyes and see him cry too, that we weren't successful.
We have about a week and a half till our day 1. On that day we will get our medication, pay for our entire treatment and do some bloodwork.
I am looking forward to being off, looking after myself & mike. Mentally- I have already checked out lol. I am just a zombie at work. Its starting to feel slightly real now that I am telling people I am taking a "leave".
I hope in these next few days-weeks I can shake this worry and negativity.
Im battling inside already with negative thoughts. I am doing acupuncture, massage and really trying to put myself in a good, zen place. I just feel that it has been so hard already that why would we get this lucky and have everything work the first time. I am worried about OHSS because of my cystic ovaries. This could cause them to cancel the cycle half way, or cause a frozen transfer at another time. I have been focusing on having embryos to freeze. I worry the emotional part of preparing for a FET and getting to the day and the defrosted embryo did not survive. The whole thing is a gamble. It's not about the money to me. It's about the hope and worry and anguish we go through- for it not to work. I feel like its all on my shoulders and I cannot give mike a baby. He has been a great support but I did say to him today- "I worry that you will worry you won't know what to say, when it doesn't work".
Its a strange mix of being excited at the thought of being pregnant in a month and being so scared I will have to look mike in the eyes and see him cry too, that we weren't successful.
We have about a week and a half till our day 1. On that day we will get our medication, pay for our entire treatment and do some bloodwork.
I am looking forward to being off, looking after myself & mike. Mentally- I have already checked out lol. I am just a zombie at work. Its starting to feel slightly real now that I am telling people I am taking a "leave".
I hope in these next few days-weeks I can shake this worry and negativity.