To all the women struggling to become mama's
If you are reading this, then already my heart goes out to you. Maybe you are here out of support for myself and Mike, or you know someone struggling, or you are struggling yourself. This is where I want to express how I feel and offer any sort of solitude, peace, or compassion to someone I know or even a stranger. I have edited this message now since having a child through IVF. My feelings and thoughts are pretty well the same, but with a new perspective.
At the age of 26, nobody expects they will have trouble conceiving. We all grow up thinking school-job-marriage-house-kids, right? We think the first few things will be difficult but never do we imagine having children will be a challenge. I am a very open book, as many already know. I have always felt like a "mother-hen" to my friends, and a constant shoulder for anyone who needs it. When you and/or your partner is dealing with infertility, it is the most personal/private thing that you ever go through. I feel a world of things including embarrassment, shame, sadness, insecurity, and a general feeling of "why me?". If I am not talking about it- think of how many aren't talking either. Infertility hangs over you like this dark cloud only you can see and feel. I want to tell everyone and shout from the streets "I AM IN FERTILITY TREATMENT AND IM A HORMONAL FREAK!!!!!" and on the totally flip-side.... I want NOBODY to know. I often would look at the other women and men in the waiting room and just want to talk to them- know their story. I hope that the taboo is starting to lift and we can start to talk about it. A huge reason why I wanted to be so open and create the conversation is to learn how to cope and heal. Selfishly, it was to help me process my emotions but also being able to offer comfort to anyone- is amazing.
1 in 6 couples struggle. Seems like a lot doesn't it? As we would sit in the waiting room at OFC, and look around, you start to realize that there are more just like you. I have yet to see the same person twice; that's how many people go to the clinic. One of the most recent times I was there (summer 2017) I saw a woman with her husband storm out of the clinic, and into the parking lot. She was crying and angry and very distraught. It totally took me back to 3 years ago, to the place she was in. It was really strange but I wanted to go up to her car, knock on the window and just hug her. But I didn't want to be "weird, strange, positive, up-beat-girl-in-the-parking-lot". I still think about her and wonder how she is.
I want to talk about what it's like going through treatment. I will say first that mike has been the most amazing support. He half the time doesn't know what to say- but his good intentions are just as awesome. There isn't a single second that goes by where I don't think about it. Before I was wondering if it will ever happen, and now that Sloan is 2 I am constantly asked "so, when is the next?". And I always respond "IF we have another etc etc". I am still not confident we will. I am booking my calendar by "cycle days" instead of regular days. The whole "trying is fun" part isn't on the table. I used to think that if everything lined up correctly we could do it on our own. After my recent baselines this summer, I still got the same answer "You have PCOS and you do not ovulate". And EVEN if I did, it would have to come from the unblocked tube and be a viable egg AND be able to fertilize/attach etc. It's literally like winning 50 million dollars in the lottery. So we just stopped "trying". And no, that's not a solution to get pregnant, ha! When you are in the clinic you have weekly appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds or follow-ups. You can feel like you are living this secret double life.
I used to have to chart daily, test for ovulation, track when we are "together". Half the month I feel like a complete stranger. The side effects from the drugs are hot flashes, headaches, cramps, fatigue, weight gain etc etc. I have spent countless hours doing research, reading forums and discussions with other women who are TTC (trying to conceive). If you know about the online community it can make you crazy with all the short forms and how much other women track and chart etc- it's really quite crazy. But, it is also a place where you can find women or men and relate to how you feel. I can look at #infertility on instagram for like 3 hours at a time, ha!
What I want to say is through all the darkness, disappointment and wondering why- you have to have hope. The whole "once you stop trying it will happen/ everything happens for a reason/ when it's the right time" is garbage. You can't just do things when you want and not try because it doesn't work that way. I have had to learn to let myself feel it. I take time to be quiet, I do things for myself and I don't work when I m feeling awful physically. I do things like cook new recipes, try crafts and projects, go get a massage etc to remind myself that life is still moving forward even if we aren't achieving what we want. I can't let this process ruin my 20's and my time being young. I also be sad when I want to be f***-ing sad. I would be lying if I didn't say this the hardest thing I have yet to go through. I now stare at my perfectly healthy 2 year old and wonder how I got so lucky. And a part of my heart is still aching for the women who haven't been as fortunate. Or for the women who are still trying. I want to relay to someone going through it that to please just keep your head above water because it is easy to get pulled under and drown. They always say, "relax, you're too stressed, it will happen when you relax" well, how the hell are you supposed to relax when everyday you are either peeing in a cup, writing down negative/negative/negative, getting your blood taken, having some lady up your business with an ultrasound wand, or "being together" with your partner? Ya. Okay. RELAX.
I know I can get pregnant and have a healthy child. I still feel like every other woman and worry as soon as you get the positive test. It just different to have this massive hurdle BEFORE all that worry everyone else has. I also have struggled with feeling guilty for wanting another. I just know that we have always pictured our family with two children. If it doesn't happen for us, we are very lucky to have this wonderful little girl. But I will not feel guilty or selfish for wanting two. I won't bullshit you and say I will be okay if we don't have another, because it will be devastating. You feel so helpless when you don't have a choice- when you're at the mercy of a timeline and clinic. Also, secondary infertility is a thing- so I will give a shoutout to those moms too (don't let anybody put you down). I do know that the answer is out there for you, as well as myself. If you are someone who knows someone- just simply be there for them. You tell them you're there for them and give them a shoulder to cry on. You aren't expected to know all the right things to say. Somehow, wether naturally or: IUI, sperm/egg donation, surrogacy, IVF or last adoption- a couple will have a child. Everyone is entitled to their OWN biological children. Don't let anyone discourage your decisions or wants. Don't let anyone take you striving for that, away from you.
I wish all your dreams come true! *think positive!* and never give up...
Because I am not.
Aly
October 2017
At the age of 26, nobody expects they will have trouble conceiving. We all grow up thinking school-job-marriage-house-kids, right? We think the first few things will be difficult but never do we imagine having children will be a challenge. I am a very open book, as many already know. I have always felt like a "mother-hen" to my friends, and a constant shoulder for anyone who needs it. When you and/or your partner is dealing with infertility, it is the most personal/private thing that you ever go through. I feel a world of things including embarrassment, shame, sadness, insecurity, and a general feeling of "why me?". If I am not talking about it- think of how many aren't talking either. Infertility hangs over you like this dark cloud only you can see and feel. I want to tell everyone and shout from the streets "I AM IN FERTILITY TREATMENT AND IM A HORMONAL FREAK!!!!!" and on the totally flip-side.... I want NOBODY to know. I often would look at the other women and men in the waiting room and just want to talk to them- know their story. I hope that the taboo is starting to lift and we can start to talk about it. A huge reason why I wanted to be so open and create the conversation is to learn how to cope and heal. Selfishly, it was to help me process my emotions but also being able to offer comfort to anyone- is amazing.
1 in 6 couples struggle. Seems like a lot doesn't it? As we would sit in the waiting room at OFC, and look around, you start to realize that there are more just like you. I have yet to see the same person twice; that's how many people go to the clinic. One of the most recent times I was there (summer 2017) I saw a woman with her husband storm out of the clinic, and into the parking lot. She was crying and angry and very distraught. It totally took me back to 3 years ago, to the place she was in. It was really strange but I wanted to go up to her car, knock on the window and just hug her. But I didn't want to be "weird, strange, positive, up-beat-girl-in-the-parking-lot". I still think about her and wonder how she is.
I want to talk about what it's like going through treatment. I will say first that mike has been the most amazing support. He half the time doesn't know what to say- but his good intentions are just as awesome. There isn't a single second that goes by where I don't think about it. Before I was wondering if it will ever happen, and now that Sloan is 2 I am constantly asked "so, when is the next?". And I always respond "IF we have another etc etc". I am still not confident we will. I am booking my calendar by "cycle days" instead of regular days. The whole "trying is fun" part isn't on the table. I used to think that if everything lined up correctly we could do it on our own. After my recent baselines this summer, I still got the same answer "You have PCOS and you do not ovulate". And EVEN if I did, it would have to come from the unblocked tube and be a viable egg AND be able to fertilize/attach etc. It's literally like winning 50 million dollars in the lottery. So we just stopped "trying". And no, that's not a solution to get pregnant, ha! When you are in the clinic you have weekly appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds or follow-ups. You can feel like you are living this secret double life.
I used to have to chart daily, test for ovulation, track when we are "together". Half the month I feel like a complete stranger. The side effects from the drugs are hot flashes, headaches, cramps, fatigue, weight gain etc etc. I have spent countless hours doing research, reading forums and discussions with other women who are TTC (trying to conceive). If you know about the online community it can make you crazy with all the short forms and how much other women track and chart etc- it's really quite crazy. But, it is also a place where you can find women or men and relate to how you feel. I can look at #infertility on instagram for like 3 hours at a time, ha!
What I want to say is through all the darkness, disappointment and wondering why- you have to have hope. The whole "once you stop trying it will happen/ everything happens for a reason/ when it's the right time" is garbage. You can't just do things when you want and not try because it doesn't work that way. I have had to learn to let myself feel it. I take time to be quiet, I do things for myself and I don't work when I m feeling awful physically. I do things like cook new recipes, try crafts and projects, go get a massage etc to remind myself that life is still moving forward even if we aren't achieving what we want. I can't let this process ruin my 20's and my time being young. I also be sad when I want to be f***-ing sad. I would be lying if I didn't say this the hardest thing I have yet to go through. I now stare at my perfectly healthy 2 year old and wonder how I got so lucky. And a part of my heart is still aching for the women who haven't been as fortunate. Or for the women who are still trying. I want to relay to someone going through it that to please just keep your head above water because it is easy to get pulled under and drown. They always say, "relax, you're too stressed, it will happen when you relax" well, how the hell are you supposed to relax when everyday you are either peeing in a cup, writing down negative/negative/negative, getting your blood taken, having some lady up your business with an ultrasound wand, or "being together" with your partner? Ya. Okay. RELAX.
I know I can get pregnant and have a healthy child. I still feel like every other woman and worry as soon as you get the positive test. It just different to have this massive hurdle BEFORE all that worry everyone else has. I also have struggled with feeling guilty for wanting another. I just know that we have always pictured our family with two children. If it doesn't happen for us, we are very lucky to have this wonderful little girl. But I will not feel guilty or selfish for wanting two. I won't bullshit you and say I will be okay if we don't have another, because it will be devastating. You feel so helpless when you don't have a choice- when you're at the mercy of a timeline and clinic. Also, secondary infertility is a thing- so I will give a shoutout to those moms too (don't let anybody put you down). I do know that the answer is out there for you, as well as myself. If you are someone who knows someone- just simply be there for them. You tell them you're there for them and give them a shoulder to cry on. You aren't expected to know all the right things to say. Somehow, wether naturally or: IUI, sperm/egg donation, surrogacy, IVF or last adoption- a couple will have a child. Everyone is entitled to their OWN biological children. Don't let anyone discourage your decisions or wants. Don't let anyone take you striving for that, away from you.
I wish all your dreams come true! *think positive!* and never give up...
Because I am not.
Aly
October 2017