As the time approaches where it will be one year since we started our IVF cycle, I decided this will be my last blog entry until the journey to the next Baby J comes, I think it's time to close the chapter on the journey "to" the current baby J. Now we start a whole new adventure with our fav little lady. Again, I want to thank every single person who followed along, supported us and gave us advice and encouragement. I also have been able to help few couples, give my own insight and know before anyone else- a whole ton of pregnancies! That was probably the best part. I got to know as early from 6-10 weeks in some cases. You're all amazing. I am hopeful for the future of infertility as science is constantly evolving and new treatments are surfacing. Very soon, Ontario will be on board for a round of IVF which will be such a financial relief for a lot of couples.
I have done a lot of reflecting and looking back at the past nearly two years, treatment, pregnancy and having Sloan. It has been the craziest time of my life. On a day to day basis I forget about how we even got here. It already seems like a "past life". I do drive by the clinic all the time and just think about our little frozen embryo. As Sloan turns 3 months old, it will be a year since we started our IVF cycle ( October 25th, 2014 ). I have gone back and read my blogs, totally taking me back to the time where we had no idea what was going to happen. I feel like all I have done for years is cry, lol. Cried that we couldn't get pregnant, cried during IVF/pregnancy & since Sloan has been born. I feel like the tears have dried and the clouds have cleared and I finally see what everyone is talking about.
As I go back and read my birth story, I really left a lot of details out. For one, I wasn't sure people cared to know a play-by-play and second, and I couldn't remember it all. The day was all such a blur. I do remember the day we transferred Sloan. I remember how antsy I felt laying on the table doing acupuncture before the transfer. I remember not knowing the status of our embryos or how many we will transfer till MINUTES before it was time. I also remember seeing, just for a second, Sloan as a cell up on a screen, before they transferred her. That was probably the coolest part. How incredible is science? I also remember, making jokes about the doctor not buying me dinner first before she got me pregnant- ha ha. I think Im so damn funny, After I got up, the doctor said "I know you know, but the baby can't fall out". I was like, duh, I know. But then had a second thought- "oh, okay good". haha! Later that day, mom, mike and myself went out to lunch. I said to mom, "do you think anyone knows I have an embryo just hanging out in my uterus?". Obviously not. But she did say- "you never think about how many people in a place are pregnant right now and don't know, or it's happening right now and then don't know". Kinda wild eh?
As hard as labour was, as HARD as bringing home a new baby is, I already miss being pregnant and would deliver a baby again. No wonder women have multiple kids- you literally forget all the awfulness and like psychos, do it again! It's this bananas feeling that there are parts that are so stressful, hard and awful, yet...you would do it again in a second.
The past 3 months have been a challenge- to say the very least. Most of the time it's like this:
Mike and I worked together to make Sloan comfortable. We have gotten into a routine of how to deal with her and what to do. We know Sloan's cries, times when she will be fussy etc. I didn't read any parenting books or new baby books, I just was hoping the "instinct" would kick in. And to be honest it does. Over time you get better at it and your normal changes. Mike is still an equal parent. He comes home after his 12 hr shift and switches to dad mode (even at 7am after nights). He does bath time and the bedtime bottle if he is here at night. I for some days, have Sloan around the clock because of his work/sleep schedule. He really takes the weight off my shoulders if I need it.
One thing I didn't know was how important a schedule and routine is for a baby. It's a full time job just to watch how much she naps, plays etc during the day to ensure a solid nighttime. When we travel or do activities in the day, she sleeps in the car in addition to her naps already. This can make for a long night for her dad and I. Sloan has slept in her crib since she about a month old. This works for us, and her. She has the best set-up! This dark room with a sound machine and humidifier- the best sleep ever! And we have more peaceful sleeps without her in the room and just have to put trust in the fact she will be okay. The monitor clicks on anytime she makes a good squee anyways. Physically, Sloan is doing great. She always gets a great review from our doctor. She does weigh in a little small for her age, but the DR isn't concerned because she is gaining at an appropriate rate for starting small. She is strong, has held her head up since day 1 practically. She still has her little hernia but it isn't worse or bigger. Sloan still has some issues eating. We are keeping with probiotics and enfamil in the Dr. Brown bottles for colic. She makes a whole ton of sound and is a pretty sloppy eater- but maybe that's just how she is.
Mike has stated that "the colic is over". I am just not ready to let it go. Somehow in my mind I think I will jinx it if I say it. But we noticed after 7 weeks that she started to settle day by day. Now you may think- only 7 weeks? Some parents go months and months dealing with it. But those 7 weeks felt like 7 months. Trust me. A part of it was hating seeing your baby so unhappy, and another part of you just wanted her to stop screaming, I don't know if its a combo of it being over, probiotics, formula or maturing digestive system that is better- but I don't care. Now she is just a regular baby who fusses when she's hungry, tired or needs a change of scenery. She farts like a grown man and it's hilarious. Girlfriend can for sure make some stink, but she is for sure way more comfortable these days. She is a busy, busy little girl. I think we are both in for a very active, independent little lady. She already is so vocal, strong, and always wants to be on the move. She doesn't want to be a coddled baby unless she's tired. She think she's grown, lol.
I finally get what all the moms are talking about. I don't want it to come off as- I didn't enjoy my baby till she was happier or older- because that is far from the case. But I get the love and the crazy feelings inside you have for this little human. I actually tear up (surprise surprise) when she smiles at me and makes the best baby sounds in the world. There is no feeling, in the whole wide world, that compares to your baby looking at you and smiling- because of you. There is no money, place, food ( lol ) that could come close to how it feels to snuggle up and know this little person feels comforted and safe because of you. In the morning when she is ready to get up for day and I come into her room, she smiles and stops crying at the sound of my voice saying "good morning!". Come on. Melt my heart. You totally change as a person when you become a parent. All of a sudden I would do anything to protect this person. I would literally die for her, and that's not being dramatic. I would and will continue to do everything I can to protect her. The whole mama bear thing is real.
Myself and Mike have been challenged for sure. We have had poop explosions, meltdowns in the car, public meltdowns, baby barf everywhere- the works. Ohhh boy, does this baby ever love to barf. I used to get anxious and panic and now if she cries while I'm checking out at costco, I know there isn't much I can do but get her in the car to go home to eat/change/get out of the car seat. Little bugger loves her baby swing, play mats, car rides, loud noises & being talked to. She already has so much personality, and a whole lot of sass.
As for the future, we don't know when we will try for Baby J #2. Maybe we will be just fine with the 3 of us. We will see if nature lines things up magically on their own for a while. There is no pressure for a second baby. We also have our frozen little 'bro to look forward to. We have no age in mind to try for the next one.
In closing, I dedicate the last part to my daughter.
If I had to do this 10 times over to lead me to you, I would. You have no idea how much you have changed your dad and myself. I look forward to everyday with you, good or bad. Your smile lights up my whole day, and I can't wait to watch you grow, but wish you could be little forever. I know life will be hard, but it also is really wonderful. I know I can't be a perfect mom but there are a few things I hope I/we can teach you that we feel is important. I want you to grow to be a kind, love-with-your-whole-heart little girl. I want you to share, care for others and never be afraid to express yourself. I want you to know it's okay to have bad days, but I hope the good always trump the bad. I hope your dad and I can show you unconditional love, and what a relationship is supposed to be like. I hope you never ever feel "less than" and know we love you very much. I want you to always feel safe and well supported. I hope we can provide the happiest home to the best of our ability for you. Wether you want to be a ballet dancer or a hockey player, we will encourage you to do whatever you love. I hope you grow to love life and laugh every-single-day. I hope you are just as silly and immature as your dad and I are. I want you to grow to be whatever you want to be, and do whatever you want to do. When the day comes for you to choose a partner & have your own kids, I hope you choose someone just like your dad. He is such a good man and I know you two will always be close. He is an amazing partner, daddy and truly my best friend. I chose him just for you. I just want you to know that we did our best to raise you. We promise to you, to always try our best, and that's all we can do.
Love you always & forever,